By Jed Stalker
So, for the substantial amount of persons who do not understand the significance of this article’s title (everyone who is not the author) here it is: during my junior year of high school, I realized that I needed to actually blindfold myself between classes in order to avoid becoming witness to something approximating the higher primates’ mating ritual taking place in the hallways. I wrote an article for my school paper entitled “Gross Kids Are Gross” where I explained, with all the eloquence due a tautology, how very gross public grossness is. I was recently convinced that my job as Public Denouncer of Gross was not finished, so here it is: the College Edition!
A group of my friends meets weekly for a book group. Same place, same time, every week. When I reached our rallying point this week, I could not help but notice that there were two young individuals writhing around on a couch next to where we meet. Somewhat concerned as to whether there was a botched mugging or something of the sort going on, I called to see if anyone needed assistance. It was worse than I feared. There was Grossness afoot.
Well, assuming that the passionate perpetrators of Gross were taking leave of one another before the young gentleman headed off to Vietnam or something, our book group started up, all blushing slightly and implicitly NOT speaking of what was going on behind us. Our group meets for an hour. We packed up our bags and said our farewells at the hour’s end, and, to exit, needed to walk in front the vigorous couple, who were still going at it. While I do applaud these two for the unworldly endurance of their lip muscles, I cannot stress enough how disconcerting it is to try and discuss a book while slight rustling, giggling, and unmistakably liquidy sounds are making their way into our circle. – for an hour. You have heard the rude expression “sucking face?” I assure you, horrified reader, that it is not always a euphemism.
Now look. Everyone agrees that kissing is a substantially awesome thing. However (and this is the important part) it is awesome exclusively to the principle parties. For all adjunct parties, it is awkward in the extreme. Let us, then, in the interest of politeness, keep our more intensive lip-workouts reserved for private performance.
Author’s note: I realize that some of the principle offenders concerned herein are used to communicating entirely in terms of LOLs and BRBs, etc. Therefore, if any third party who has profited from the reading of this article should notice continued offence on their part, please shout or text OMG UR GROSS to them as swiftly as possible, in hopes that we may we can teach them the error of their ways on their own terms.