Satire: Block Party attendees to be euthanized

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A sea of college-aged Block Party-goers in 2016. Credit: Devin Fonrose on Twitter @fonrozay

Partiers are no longer welcome at Block Party because of the mess they leave behind.

BLOOMSBURG, Pa. — People who spend time in or around Bloomsburg know all too well about the menaces who trash Fetterman Avenue each spring.

Credit: John Blutarsky’s personal photo and totally not a still image from the hit movie ‘National Lampoon’s Animal House’ (1978)
Nothing ever went wrong at Delta Tau Chi, pictured here. Never, not like today, said Blutarsky. Credit: Once again, John Blutarsky and definitely not ‘National Lampoon’s Animal House’ (1978)

“You know it’s coming because the police start blocking off parking in town. No self-respecting resident wants to leave their home, but sometimes it’s nice to take a stroll up to the college, just to see what happens,” commented long-time Bloomsburg townie, Jamie Graham.

“It never bothered me when they came around to party. Brings me back to my Delta Tau Chi days,” John Blutarsky said, pulling out this photo (left) of his glory days that he keeps in his wallet.

Blutarsky added, “We were never destructive like those kids today, though. Nope. Never did anything questionable at Delta Tau Chi. Just good old-fashioned fun.”

Other town residents told us they wouldn’t be caught dead anywhere in the Bloomsburg University campus’ vicinity during Block Party weekend.

“It’s an embarrassment to have in this town! Count me OUT!” Cynthia Sun exclaimed.

Each year, an estimated 10,000 or more students crawl out of hibernation and into the heart of Bloomsburg’s wildest parties. Fueled by Crown Russe mixers, Four Lokos and everyone’s beer of choice, Natty Light, these students make their annual pilgrimage to Fetterman to drink all day and party all night.

Due to COVID-19, Block Party was called off for the past two years. Without their biggest party day of the year, BU enrollment and class attendance suffered a massive blow. Students say they just can’t find it in themselves to carry on without Block Party.

“Yeah, man, it’s like vital to our very being. I need my Natty Light, bro. I need it, and no one drinks more than at Block Party, baby,” announced frat bro Chad Tyler of Alpha Sigma Sigma.

While students think Block Party is coming back on Saturday, April 23, it won’t be without risk.

Following a unanimous vote in favor of the program at this week’s meeting, Town Council is working with the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture to roll out a program to not only discourage partying but also provide locally-sourced feed for Bloomsburg Town Police horses.

According to the mayor, this is because of the excessive mess Block Party attendees leave behind.

A single partier can leave up to three pounds of garbage per hour of partying. Multiply that by dozens of hours and thousands of people, and you have a trashed town.

Town Council released this brief statement defending their vote: “For far too long, our town’s police horses have been given the short end of the stick. They serve our officers dutifully with little thanks or recognition. That ends this April 23. Up to 4,000 Block Party-goers will be euthanized, ridding the town of the disgraceful event and 40 percent of its attendees. Thanks to the program with the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture, their meat will be donated to provide a delicacy to our trusty steeds.”

When we told Sun what Town Council just voted in favor of, she could not contain her excitement.

“They’re doing WHAT?! That’s the best thing this town could’ve ever done. Can’t think of a better way to back the blue and give tribute to my roots,” remarked Sun, a self-proclaimed “Horse Girl.”

Students we interviewed were not happy with the plan.

“Partying is part of the college experience,” said Annie Gerken, a junior marketing major who has waited three long painful years for her first Block Party. “My Big-Big already bought ‘Baby’s First Block’ shirts for me and our whole fam line, so whatever [the town] says they’re going to do, we’re just gonna have to risk it and hope for the best.”

Gerken’s friend, Anita Beere, said she’s on her last string. “If I don’t get to drink my Natty Light standing in the mud elbow-to-elbow with 10,000 other people, then… I don’t know… but I need it!”

BU officials, who have historically taken a hands-off approach to Block Party said unfortunately there’s not much they can do about the town’s plan.

“They drink and make a mess, sure, but so did we, when we were in undergrad,” a university official, who did not want to be named, said. “I’m just not one for killing a student because of a little garbage. And I’m not an environmentalist. I put my recycling in the trash when it’s more convenient, just like anybody else.”

When asked why the university, as a major stakeholder in town, hasn’t done anything to fight the plan, the same official had only this to say: “Block Party is not sanctioned by the university. It’s organized by the students. All we can do is ask them to make smart decisions and come to Springfest.”

“I don’t really agree with it, but I can’t really do much about it,” the unnamed BU administrator said.

Each year, BU holds a fun campus event at the same time as Block Party. Called “Springfest,” this year it is rumored the university is upping the ante by inviting a convincing Ed Sheeran look-a-like to attend. The hope is that students will migrate from Fetterman to the Quad when not-Ed Sheeran performs, conveniently at the same time as the trapping for euthanasia. While anyone can come out, the choice of singer was made because of budget cuts and also the fact that the targeted demographic will be “too lit” to notice.

According to Bloomsburg’s mayor, not all Block Partiers will be euthanized. Those who aren’t will be trapped and moved to the Bloomsburg Town Park to shovel goose droppings and a lucky select few will live and work at Buckalew Place as butlers.

A Change.org petition has been circulating to stop the euthanization of Block Party attendees, but Town Council says nobody can stop them.

Besides, newly-elected and totally real Town Council member Dun T. Care said, “Our students shouldn’t even have anything to worry about. Data shows only 20 percent of those cited for drinking are BU students. It’s like those geese someone said they’re killing—Canadian geese! Not even our own, it’s fine!”

*Note: This article is obviously fake and was written to express the absurdity of the plan to euthanize 40 geese at the Town Park for being the geese that they are and leaving droppings. Parts of this article were based on WNEP’s coverage; the John Blutarsky character and accompanying media were taken from the classic 1978 film, “National Lampoon’s Animal House.” The rest of the content came from the depths of the author’s mind and any names of real people are pure coincidences.

The real Change.org petition to save the geese can be found at this link.

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