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I Don’t Know

Embracing Oblivion

It was a few Mondays ago now that I had a very important conversation with myself. I was on my way to a 4:30 math class, a relatively painless commute from my dorm just a building or two down. But that day, it was not so painless, because that day, I was in the process of trying to make one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make: transferring.

It’s not that I didn’t like my school—I did. But for some strange reason, something in my gut was telling me to go, and I decided it was best to follow that little voice, even if unsure of where it might lead. But still I had to ask myself, What would you do if someone asked if you’re making the right decision? What would you say? It was a fair question. I knew from the outside I must look like an idiot, leaving behind all my new friends, turning down my on-campus dream job, bidding farewell to professors who I’d already begun to feel a connection with. And so I realized that—without hesitation—my answer would be this: I don’t know.

You don’t know? I was caught off guard by my own candid response, as spontaneity—at least when it comes to serious decisions like this—is unlike me. Usually, I require a 12-step plan for everything, maybe 10 if I’m feeling extra confident that day (this typically happens after one too many morning shots of caffeine). Yet suddenly I was accepting the idea of the unknown, embracing the chance of completely throwing away a perfectly good life in place of something that had the potential to be nothing more than a major setback. And that’s when it hit me—yeah, I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, and there’s a really good chance I never will.

Unlike the virtual reality we’ve become so accustomed to, there is no “Ctrl+Z” in life, no rewind button, no edit option. You can’t get an overview of what your situation would look like had you gone this way, or chosen that route. Your perception is limited to the path you’re on. So I’m not sure what my life would look like had I decided to stay, and frankly I’m even less sure about how my life is going to look now that I’ve made the choice to leave. But the thing is, it’s not really about making the “right” decision—it’s about making the decision right. It’s sort of like driving if you think about it. There’s a lot of ways to get to where you want to go, and, sure, you may take a wrong turn or a detour or two. But at the end of the day, it’s all about finding the beauty in the journey. As put by Sophie Kinsella, “There’s no such thing as ruining your life. Life’s a pretty resilient thing, it turns out.”