“We Want to Share in the Awkwardness..."

Managing Editor, Joe Arleth, shares with us the trials and tribulations of drunk texting.

We all make mistakes. As kids, some of us colored outside the lines. As teens, some of us sold off all of our Ninja Turtle action figures. As college students, some of us schedule 8 a.m. Oceanography classes. It happens.

The point is no one of us is perfect. Even here, at the prestigious Voice we have been known to goof up on occasion. (Who can forget the now infamous backwards field hockey championship headline?)

For the most part though, when we fail, the embarrassment can be quarantined to a small area. We generally are not important enough for people to care about our shortcomings. Our glass houses are protected.

Well, we here at the newspaper have decided to level the playfield a little bit. For years, we laughed aloud as we read about the antics of the community deviants in the police beat. Now we want to get you involved in the game.

No longer will people be laughing behind your back as you try to dance at Hess’. No, now you can join in with laughing at yourself in our new weekly feature. We are asking you for your best drunk texts. When your ex-boyfriend writes at 3 a.m., barely legible, about remembering a date you never had, we want to know. When you text your mom accidentally about how your pain-in-the-ass parents took your car away, we want to share in the awkwardness that is your next return home. We want to learn from your mistakes.

So send us the best and the worst drunk texts that you receive or send each weekend. In the meantime, take a look at our ranking chart that should help you understand the art of the drunken text just a little bit better.

There are many different forms of the drunk text. Some are deep hidden secrets and feelings that were never meant to be exposed. Some are non-sensical ramblings that were never meant to be understood. Only two things link all drunk texts: They are frequently littered with typos and they are always hilarious.

Drunk texts cause a wide-ranging variety of damage though. Some cause simple awkward moments in the next day’s economics class. Others can destroy relationships and cripple friendships. The following information can be used to help you determine exactly how much damage control you might need.

Code Yellow: “Love mom and dad.” This drunk text often falls victim to nomenclature confusion, as people believe it refers to an embarrassing text sent to one’s parents. This is not, in fact, true. It is named after the resemblance to your parent’s jumbled error-filled texting attempts, trying to communicate with their offspring in a new way.

Example: “do uu want go to denny tonight call me.”

Note the lack of punctuation and careless grammar mistakes. These messages appear similar to those received from parents who still do not fully grasp the concept of text messaging. The new-age technology mixed with tiny keyboards cause a laundry list of problems for most adults. Either that, or maybe our parents are partying a little too hard while we are off at school.

Course of action: Embrace this misstep. These are the golden mistakes. The ones we all enjoy that make life a little better. Similar to teachers accidentally letting class out 20 minutes early or a cashier giving you too much change, these texts are harmless fun that we can all laugh about a few days later.

Code Green: “The Ultimate Warrior.” If you’ve ever watched “The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” DVD, then you already know what I’m referring too (and if you haven’t I highly recommended picking it up). Anyway, this text is often times one of the funniest that will be sent without any real negative backlash. Basically, the message relays the twisted ramblings of an inebriated mind to a very confused receiver.

Example: “Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel! Load it with the warriors!”

Huh? Exactly. This type of text will always be a complete puzzle to everyone the next morning, including the sender. It is like Stone Hedge. We will marvel at their beauty for years to come but never truly grasp an understanding.

Course of action: The next day when confronted you have two options. 1) Insist that it was an inside joke sent to the wrong number 2) Claim it was a classic line from a movie and act offended when the receiver can’t pinpoint which film.

Code Blue: “Baby come back!” Now the situation becomes dangerous. Often times at this point in the night, you are sitting alone on the couch watching a House rerun while your buddy makes out with his significant other and another friend is passed out on your shoulder. You feel lonely. You need some company. You have a phone. Recipe for disaster.

Example: “We havent talken in a while, but I think you should come hang out. Not safe to b walking around alone anyway right? lol”

No matter who this is sent to, whether an ex-girlfriend or that cute boy that sits next to you in history class, this message reaks of desperation. I may not know a lot about women, but I know a heck of a lot about failure. Believe me, this text sends you on the expressway to dumpster-land.

Course of action: Ignore it. The next day, do not say a word. Do not apologize. Do not try to explain. Actually, do not even make eye contact. They won’t mention it either. Too awkward. Just let it fade away, like Bloomsburg’s hope for the Dixon Cup.

Code Purple: “The Brett Favre.” I like to call this one the “Eli Manning,“ but that’s an argument for another day. Think of a text like a pass. In a perfect world, it is caught by the intended receiver and brought to the end zone. Touchdown. The world is not prefect though. Just ask Eagles fans. Often times, the pass gets picked off. Likewise, sometimes we address out text messages to the wrong person. A person who under no circumstances should ever read the contents.

Example: “I‘m meeting up with Andy‘s ex tonight. Going to show her what shes been missing” (Sent to Andy’s cell phone.)

Course of action: There remains only one solution. You have to channel your inner-Jack Bauer, infiltrate your friend’s phone, delete the sensitive information, and escape without notice. This is your mission. The fate of your friendship depend on it.

Code Orange: “Beer Muscles.” Ever wake up and just get that feeling throughout the day that everybody hates you? Ever wonder if maybe your imagination isn’t playing tricks on you? Ever check your sent messages the next day? As Billy Joel once said, “You had to be a big shot didn’t you?”

Example: “Listen u wall-eyed fetus, I’m tired of you sitting there all smug and mighty in your chair. You headed for a fall butt nugget, and I’m gonna send you there.”

Course of action: Begging for mercy comes to mind. Unless of course you really could beat this person up. Then stick to your guns. Either way, you are going to have to do some heavy damage control to repair your ruined reputation. A nice gift, maybe a cheese cake, could do wonders.

Code Red: “One missed call.” Named after possibly the worst movie ever, this title is very fitting. In the film, the characters’ cell phones basically kill them. With these texts… it is essentially the same story. Generally, these are just merely one-line slipups. No, these texts are full blown conversations that drag on and on like the plot of a terrible movie. You are in a hole. You are stuck in quicksand. You struggle, but only fall deeper.

Example: I have but come across one example of this in my travels. Last semester, a good friend of mine consumed a good amount of alcohol and made bad decisions. He texted a girl. A very pretty girl who he had an obvious crush on. Despite the fact that they barely knew each other and that they had only met just several weeks before, my dear friend decided it was time to make a grand gesture. “I don’t know how to say this, but you are beautiful and I am in love with you.” The text heard ‘round the world.

Of course, you can imagine the poor girl’s confusion. Like a trained professional she tried to carefully diffuse this bomb. She tried to laugh it off. She tried to make sense of these sudden admissions. She tried to talk sense into him. But with each one of her attempts, our hero repeatedly shot himself in the foot: “I could be more subtle, but where would that get me?” “Maybe we should go out this weekend, get drunk and make some bad choices together.” “I’m just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love me.”

Course of action: I heard the registrars office is very helpful with transfers…

So, next time you’re feeling good and are posed to say something you might regret, think of the potential destruction your jumbled words may cause and put down the phone.