One Couple’s Rankings of Disney Songs to Have Sex to

Cosmo is known for its sexy articles including sex tips, advice, lists of the best positions and much more. It seems the sex topics are never ending, but sometimes they are just down right weird. One article truly takes the cake. A Cosmo writer roped her boyfriend into participating in a project that would simultaneously change their sex lives and ruin theirs and our childhoods. The couple got it on to ten different classic Disney songs and ranked them on a one to 10 scale; because, why not ruin every song you gleefully sang along to as a child by banging to it?

The writer, Jenny Brett, struggled getting her boyfriend to agree. Shocking right? So, as a consolation for his involuntary participation, she allowed him to choose some of the songs that they would get down and dirty to. She did make some changes to his list, but really how is there a good way to choose songs from your childhood you will inevitably ruin for yourself and readers alike. He managed to avoid the “experiment” for a week, but finally the night before her deadline for the article he could no longer avoid it. They were (sort of) ready to get down to business. (If you didn’t get that Disney song pun, this article is not for you.)

“Colors of the Wind” (Pocahontas) Rank: 2/10

I’m really rather confused by this pick. It’s a slow and meaningful song that I danced to for a modern dance in one of my recitals in high school and really cannot see how anyone would think was a good song to get them in the mood. The test shows it didn’t hold up as Brett started laughing while going down on her boyfriend and he forced her to skip it. Grandma Willow would not approve.

“Kiss the Girl” (The Little Mermaid) Rank: 3/10

This one certainly makes more sense in theory being it is called “Kiss the Girl” and all, but in execution it didn’t pan out. Brett’s boyfriend tells her to get on top in a “crab-like” position and quickly regrets saying so after his girlfriend acknowledges how fitting the position was. The seagull’s part of the song was enough for them to skip it partially through. The song really should have received a two according to Brett, but they gave it an extra point for the unintentional crab pun.

“Heigh Ho” (Snow White) Rank: 1/10

Brett’s boyfriend picked this one, and well, just look at the name of it. The couple tried to avoid the lyrics in the spoon position but after hearing “we dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine” he was over it. Brett’s attempt to lighten the mood by saying her lady part was the mine, pushed him to the edge and the song was skipped. Any song sung by seven dwarfs would be enough to amp up the creepy and turn down the libido in my book.

“Arabian Nights”(Aladdin) Rank: 0/10

I thought this one was an odd pick. If any song from Aladdin was to be picked, I would imagine it would have been “A Whole New World” since it’s romantic and has a nice rhythm, but they learned the hard way I guess. This song seemed to have potential at first according to the couple since the beat was much better than the previous songs. However, as they actually paid attention to the lyrics they glossed over as children, “they cut off your ear if they don’t like you face- It’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home,” they turned it off. Racism doesn’t make any situation pleasant, especially not in the bedroom.

“A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” (Cinderella) Rank: 10/10

Finally, a nice song that won’t make sex eerily uncomfortable. The couple says they were able to drain it out easily and it was really just “nondescript.” This one earned a perfect score because they didn’t really acknowledge it was on, and that really says something about this whole “experiment.”

“Beauty and the Beast” (Beauty and the Beast) Rank: 6/10

I imagine the boyfriend chose this one to make him feel better about his masculinity, but I don’t think that’s even possible given the circumstances. The rhythm of this one isn’t too bad and doesn’t hold a super creepy element other than the anthropomorphic aspect, which inevitably made them turn off the song.

“Let it Go” (Frozen) Rank: 3/10

I personally can’t imagine that any song made into an internet sensation by little girls would be sexy, and according to the couple, I am right. I guess if you look at just the title of the song you can imagine something sexy, but after hearing the belting of the singer, the sound instantly becomes very un-sexy. This song was doable but not a winner.

“Someday My Prince Will Come” (Snow White) Rank: 8/10

Yes, let that title sink in for a moment. Brett snuck this one onto the list. All was going well, for a while. The boyfriend probably felt pretty good about being referred to as a prince, but as soon as Brett let out a laugh and a “get it?” he told her to shut up and that was the end of that. Brett concluded it at an eight instead of a 10, because despite her own wittiness, her Prince did not live up to the song’s title.

“I’ll Make a Man Out of You” (Mulan) Rank: 7/10

Finding this one on the list really broke my heart because not only is Mulan my favorite movie, but this one is my absolute favorite Disney song. My dad and I know every word and jam every time the movie is on TV. I can no longer sing this song with him without feeling extremely violated. However, it does make sense. And as Brett says, Shang is absolutely the hottest of the Disney prince characters. However, being one of the last songs of their experiment, it just couldn’t pull a higher score.

Hakuna Matata (The Lion King) Rank: 0/10

This song is sung by two animals named Timon and Pumba, and without even knowing what kind of animals they are, it already sounds creepy enough. Factoring in the flatulence problem of one of these animals and the upbeat joyfulness of the song loved by many children, I don’t blame the couple for their rank of zero.

I have to say, while this Cosmo article was childhood ruining, it was absolutely hysterical. I was disappointed by some of the song choices though, I felt there could have been much better choices such as; “Zero to Hero” – Hercules, “Under the Sea” – The Little Mermaid, “Two Worlds” – Tarzan, just to name a few. The couple suggests never trying this, unless you have a Disney fetish, so if you do, maybe this list was helpful. For everyone normal: I apologize for all of your favorite childhood songs now stripped of their purity.