Must’ve Been Pooped- A couple weeks ago, my buddy passed out in the bathroom while taking a number two. Everyone at the party was getting pissed (no pun intended) because he was taking so long and wasn’t answering the door. So I got the key for the bathroom, opened the door, and immediately phones were out taking pictures of my friend with his pants around his ankles on the toilet. The next day he could barley sit down his butt was so sore from sitting on the toilet seat all night.
Wow. This is incredibly embarrassing. All I can say is thank goodness that this happened to a boy and not a girl. Boys can get away with doing something like this; girls would be judged and made fun of for months. One time, my girl friend may or may not have made the bathroom stink at a party and she still gets ridiculed for it. It happened over a year ago. But sadly, I can’t make the lesson not to judge because there are too many judgers of the world. So instead it’s a lesson we’re all familiar with. Lesson Number 5, whatever you do, do not pass out at a party. Don’t pass out on a couch, don’t pass out on the floor, just don’t do it, and especially not with your shoes on. We’ve all had fun at the misfortune of others and drawn on that guy who falls asleep fully clothed while at a party. Save yourself the embarrassment of being the one that has to walk home in the morning with penises drawn all over your face. It’s not cute. Even if it means you have to partake a little less in the party atmosphere, it’s worth it.
This is a story about my past weekend when my friend and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our friend’s 21st birthday.
Open Bar, Enough Said- My friend had gotten an open bar for everyone there who was celebrating her birthday, so already I could tell this would be an eventful night. Within the hour, we realized that open bar was no joke. My friends and I had everyone taking part in stage dancing, body shots, and chugging games. While all this was so much fun, a quick lesson learned was that you should not get on the bar for any reason if you are wearing a short dress. My friend was persuaded, mostly by me, to do a body shot and while prepping, she had to pull up her entire dress in order to have her stomach out. This is bad enough, but it didn’t help the situation that she was wearing some revealing underwear. Many lucky people got an eyeful that night. Needless to say, this was still pretty early and things were already starting to go downhill. A little while later, we were all separated. The next thing I knew, a bouncer came to me and told me that I needed to leave the bar because my friend was kicked out (not the friend who was celebrating her birthday). To this day, no one knows how or why she was kicked out. She wasn’t with anyone and none of the bouncers had any answers. Regardless, we were home before one in the morning.
Lesson Number 6, take care of your friends. If your friend drinks a little too much, take care of them. If your friend wanders off, find them, and take care of them. If your friend is about to do anything embarrassing (e.g. drunk text, fall, slobber, throw a fit), stop them. These rules are a little harder to follow while you’re also under the influence, but it is very important that your friends don’t embarrass themselves or you. Partying with your buds can be the best time, but keeping them in the morning is more important. We all make some mistakes from time to time but luckily, true friends forgive. Take it from me, funny stories involve mistakes, but good stories involve helping someone out. You and your friend will be better off in the morning.
The stories you send in can be about anything and everything, but I would like the stories to be funny. Some possible options could be confessions, physical injuries, text messages, public urination, urinating in the bed, basically urinating anywhere other than a toilet, inappropriate sexual advances, inappropriate nudity, anything inappropriate, falling, fighting, waking up somewhere funny, on campus, off campus, out with friends, in class, or just anything humiliating. Email me your stories at firstname.lastname@example.org, and remember, the stories can be anonymous if you want to hide your identity. We’re in college and these things happen to everyone, so let’s learn from each other and hopefully history won’t repeat itself.
***This article is meant for entertainment, not to encourage or promote drinking or harmful acts. It’s meant to chronicle college experiences and learn from other’s mistakes. Drinking does not have to be involved in stories submitted.***