Another year means another chance for me to correct your drunken mistakes. But don’t think of this as a criticism, think of it more as an advice column for your late night blunders. I use my own stories too so you can learn from my stupidity as well as each others. I’ll start with a subject that everyone can agree on: Freshman.
This weekend I was at a pregame with a few close friends when a group of ten freshmen walked in the door uninvited.
Side bar: apparently this is common practice among freshman this year. They assume all parties are open and welcoming to large quantities of youngsters. If you’re reading this and you’re a freshman, please know that this is not the case. Make older friends and pay your dues like the rest of us. If you’re going to crash a random house party, make sure not everyone else there is over 21 and not as concerned about all the under covers and police cars circling the streets of Bloomsburg. That’s a lesson in itself.
Now, back to the story, so these freshman walk in the door and start drinking our beer and try to take over the pong table. Excuse me? Then they begin freaking out about the under covers that are patrolling different parties they’ve been to. My friend goes to kick them out, but I have a better idea.
I casually stroll over to their posse and ask a group of the girls if they were “trying to party.” They responded that they wanted to dance. Why they didn’t go to a frat that would be more accommodating for their age, desire to dance, and attire, I will never know. After their response, I asked their ages, knowing in my mind that they were in fact freshman and definitely under 21. When they confirmed my thoughts, I asked to see their identification. They pulled out their Bloomsburg ID’s from their Vera Bradley wallets and I immediately corrected them that I wanted to see their driver’s licenses. Because they aren’t 21, they didn’t have those with them. So I responded with, “Oh all right, well I’ll see you guys later.” And proceeded to turn away and make a fake phone call. Needless to say, the group didn’t stay around much longer.
The lesson for this is, don’t drink my beer. Also, if you’re a freshman, know that everyone already has a prejudice against you that you’re completely clueless and gullible. Don’t fall into this stereotype. If those girls would have come up to us and introduced themselves and had been cordial, no doubt my friends and I would have been accepting. But they weren’t so it was necessary to get them out in the most humiliating way possible.
Another lesson for this, if any of you have the opportunity to do something similar, it’s hilarious. I highly recommend it.
The stories you send in can be about anything and everything, but I would like the stories to be funny. Some possible options could be confessions, physical injuries, text messages, public urination, urinating in the bed, basically urinating anywhere other than a toilet, inappropriate sexual advances, inappropriate nudity, anything inappropriate, falling, fighting, waking up somewhere funny, on campus, off campus, out with friends, in class, or just anything humiliating. Email me your stories at firstname.lastname@example.org, and remember, the stories can be anonymous if you want to hide your identity. We’re in college and these things happen to everyone, so let’s learn from each other and hopefully history won’t repeat itself.
***This article is meant for entertainment, not to encourage or promote drinking or harmful acts. It’s meant to chronicle college experiences and learn from other’s mistakes. Drinking does not have to be involved in stories submitted.***