Is Trump On Coke?

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Donald Trump faced a rough week in the polls following his performance in last week’s presidential debate. After 37 lies, 29 interruptions and a mountain of cocaine, it was a miracle that Trump even made it through the night alive.

Well, okay, maybe the cocaine part isn’t actually confirmed, but the narrative sounds nowhere near as exciting without it. For those of you who missed the debate, here is a picture of Trump on stage. Unfortunately, for legal reasons, we cannot print a real copy of Trump, so we hired a professional actor to impersonate his behavior during the debate:

Vermont’s former Governor, Howard Dean was the first to officially raise the question: is Trump on coke? His actual tweet read: “Notice Trump sniffing all the time. Coke user?” The tweet now has over 50,000 likes and 40,000 shares, so obviously Dean wasn’t the only one thinking it.  

Dean, who studied medicine at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, said that Trump’s sniffling, along with his extravagant gestures and delusion are signs of drug use.  It would also explain why he was so friendly in the beginning but so heated up by the end: the drugs wore off (after all, he has yet to figure out a way to take a bump on stage).  

Yet Dean, along with others who support this theory, seems to have forgotten that Trump needs no amount of cocaine to create delusion. In fact, to suggest as much would insult Trump’s brand, for he seems to have reached a level of delusion that even cocaine could not create. Besides, Trump is on record in 2000 saying he’s never touched drugs, and since he’s been an honest guy so far, we should be inclined to believe him. Case closed, ladies and gentlemen.  

In all seriousness, it says a lot about Trump as a candidate and our perception of him that a story like this could actually be believed.  If your local congressman had the sniffles during a filibuster, you probably would not assume he was on cocaine. But who am I to say how politicians should be perceived? Of course it isn’t Trump’s fault that someone started a false rumor about his cocaine use, but maybe if he acted differently, then the rumor might not seem believable.

P.S. Here is a compilation video of all 58 times that Trump sniffled during the debate. You know, for those of you who have just a little too much free time on your hands.

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