How to Avoid Being the Blacked Out Bitch
How many times has this same type of scenario happened to you, when you wake up and have no damn recollection of the night before? You try to think about where you were last; was it the mixer at the frat party, the bar, or at the really cute guy’s house with bad breath but also was a really good kisser?
As you try to piece it together and think, you are stopped by this pounding in your head. You check your snap story and see a snap of you dancing on the bar and why the heck is there a snap of you and some girl, whom you do not recall meeting, peeing in the bathroom sink together? WTF happened?!?
Sound a little too familiar?
Then I hate to break it to you my friend, you were the blacked out bitch of the night. I am sure at the time you thought you were the life of the party and your friends probably told you all about the crazy cringe worthy moments like how you stole someone’s pizza, smoked four bajillion cigarettes (explains your bad breath), and how you thought you flirted with a dude who actually was a chick…shall I continue?
Now about this time, you solemnly swear to never get that f***** up again. Lets face it, next Saturday you are gonna be shaking your ass on that bar again with your leopard thong hanging out. Congrats, you are officially the definition of a hot mess.
I am not trying to call you out here, because we have all been that bitch at some point. But no one likes that bitch; she is crazy and a little bit too much like Lindsay Lohan pre Oprah phase. So this is a guide on how to avoid being the blacked out bitch for next time.
First Step
First things first, eat a nice meal before you head on out. I know you do not think you need it, but eat a nice dinner. Eat some chicken parmesan or maybe even have a nice steak. Loading up on food will help soak up all that alcohol and make you feel pretty great for the night!
Second Step
Do not go too hard at the pre-game… I mean, yeah do a few shots since it has been a hellish week and you deserve it…. so why the hell not! But PACE yourself, drink some water in between shots. Going too hard at the pre-game is everyone’s first mistake. Enjoy yourself and maybe even make a great playlist with the latest jams. Go do the typical white girl thing and take some pictures of you and your girls in the bathroom (the classic). Might as well take some pictures now before the end of the night when your eyeliner is half smeared down your face and you end up looking like rocky the raccoon.
Third Step
Be sure to leave your excessive amounts of cash at home. No more bringing your credit cards out and buying everyone shots at the bar. I mean yes, it is a great way to make friends but instead let that guy sitting in the corner sipping on his jack and coke buy you a drink. Limit yourself to bringing only what you need. If you bring your debit card, chances are you will plan on hitting that ATM before the night is over and then your bank account will plunk just like your memories of your night. So be a responsible girl and stick to bringing cash.
Fourth Step
Do not compete. Drinking is not the freaking Olympics. Do not try to out drink the beefy dude with lots of tattoos and the pierced ear. Listen to me here, you cannot out drink him. I am sure you have drank around the boys and your keg stand time is better than anyone else’s. But save yourself the embarrassment and try a new tactic and sip on your drink. Sip on dat drank, act like it is the last Bahama Mama in the world and savor the shit out of it. Now that you are sipping and not gulping your drink, you will be less likely to get oober turnt and make less of a mess of yourself.
Fifth Step
H20, bitches! Drink up! Before going out, I always make sure to drink some water, and during the night make an attempt to drink some more. Even if it is running your head under the damn sink for a few seconds, every last drop counts. Bottoms up. Your body will gladly thank you for that.
Sixth Step
Whatever you do, do not make it your goal for the night to get quote unquote turnt up. Make a completely new goal than getting completely shit faced at the bar. Start a goal to finally get the courage to say hi to that really cute bartender and see if he wants something more than a one-night stand. Get yourself a new goal.
Conclusion
Congrats! You are officially no longer the blacked out bitch at the bar… took some hangovers and bad hickeys to get you here but you’ve finally made it! Be sure to pass this article along to the next blacked out bitch you may see roaming the street with missing shoes. Stay classy, keep your panties on and more importantly enjoy yourself!
