I know what you’re thinking, but no, this is not a joke. The rap artist, Juaquin James Malphurs, better known as, Waka Flocka Flame, announced on, April 20 (of course) that he is indeed running for presidency in 2016. Watch out Hillary, Marco and Ted, there’s a new sheriff in town.
You may know Waka from the songs “Hard in da Paint” or “No Hands” which include lyrics such as, “I go hard in da muhf**kin paint ni**a, leave you stankin ni**a, what da f**k you thinkin ni**a,” and, “Hey you got me in a trance, please take off your pants.” However, once you look past his aggressive and certainly colorful lyrics, his plan for when he is in office is slightly unconventional, but actually pretty good.
1. Legalizing Marijuana
This issue is perhaps one of the most talked about issues in America right now, and probably the one Waka feels strongest about. In an interview with Rolling Stone’s editor, Simon Vozick-Levinson “The President” as Waka he calls himself, rolled up a blunt right on camera at the beginning of the video. Waka claims as long as you roll up a blunt, everything will be okay. Presidents need to be reassuring, and Waka undoubtedly is. I mean look at Colorado, in just one year, retail and medical weed generated over $60 million in tax and licensing revenue. Obviously Waka is just trying to end poverty in America and get us out of our national debt. What a good guy.
2. No Dogs in Restaurants
Who wants to eat off of a table that has pet hair follicles all over it? Yuck, not me. Service dogs are completely understandable, but I wouldn’t like to see Elle Woods’ dog, Brusier, popping his little head out of her purse on the table. I mean, I would because I’m a huge Chihuahua fan, but just no. Not when I am eating. Good plan, Waka.
3. Big Feet in Public
Waka also mentions in his interview with Rolling Stone that, “Anyone that got feet over size 13 cannot walk in public no more.” He continues to say that Americans that fall under this category will have to take trains, cabs and busses rather than taking up all the foot-space on concrete. Why is this a good idea you ask? Well, if you’ve been to New York City you know how crowded the streets are; and do you know why? Because people with large feet are taking over the sidewalks, leaving us little-footed people with no space. This one is genius.
Waka believes that students should be taught more real life skills throughout their elementary and high school career. Everyone knows that street smarts are important, definitely more important than reading Shakespeare. Everyone can agree that they are sick and tired of attempting to read Romeo and Juliet, and that’s because it is just an old English, dragged out, over-dramatized tale of a three-day relationship, which ends in death. Super irrelevant to high school curriculum, geez. Waka also is going to require students to learn all of his lyrics, or they fail and have to begin schooling all over again starting from the third grade. This would teach students the importance of learning required material and using study skills, duh.
5. Minimum Wage
Once recreational marijuana usage is legalized, we would have so much money we would not know what to do with it. But Waka sure does; he says that every fast-food employee should be paid $15 an hour. This would lead to cashiers, cooks and drive through personnel to WANT to go to work and wear their god-awful uniforms; maybe they could even get new ones. As fellow rapper Lil Wayne once said, “The money is the motive.” Plus, In-N-Out Burger, often called the absolute best burger joint ever, just increased their minimum wage for employees. Why shouldn’t every fast food place join the trend? Well, they should.
Waka has said to be planning to run for presidency since 2012, based on a tweet reading, “I’m dead a** running for president in 2016.” Now that’s determination and consistency, especially compared to Waka’s opponent Hillary Clinton, who is notorious for being skeptical on her decision to run for office.
So if you’re not registered to vote, get on it, because Waka Flocka Flame is the best candidate for office in 2016, even though in reality he is 7 years too young for the position. Waka is also looking to hire a professional blunt roller, so even if you do or don’t choose to make the right choice and vote Waka, perhaps you could apply to be his left hand, blunt rolling man. #Waka2016.
Follow Waka’s road to presidency on his personal website and twitter page: