If you are reading this, give yourself a pat on the back. Because you reading this right now means that you have survived. We are all survivors here of something. Whether it is surviving the dark days of middle school, surviving your first semester of college, surviving a family reunion, or even surviving the dreaded strep test you probably have to suffer through annually. So congratulations, you did it. What a strong human being you are.
But are your survival skills enough to match the wrath of something worse than band t-shirts, 100 question multiple-choice tests, your great Aunt Bertha’s huge mole, or your gag reflex being poked over and over??? You might wonder, “what’s worse than all of those atrocious things?” It may be hard to imagine, but here’s your answer:
EX BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS.
Not much more needs to be said about this dreadful topic. The only thing that sucks more than your ex is finding a long piece of hair in your chipotle bowl. However, it is important to point out that there are several types of ex’s in this world, and I’m sure you have come across at least three of them.
The Ex You Always Go Back To
This person became your best friend, and that’s why you can’t seem to get them out of your hair/brain/recent calls. You know that if this person wasn’t around, you would feel like a part of you is missing. Maybe it’s because the sex is always awesome, maybe it’s because you can burp in front of them and they aren’t fazed. Take your choice, but you know you can go months without seeing this person and once you get together again it’s like nothing has changed. This makes them the least sucky of ex’s. Woo, you rock returning ex. Sounds like something that should be celebrated… with some ex sex.
The Ex You Want to Kill
To clarify, ‘kill’ is an over exaggeration. You want to push this person off the side of the earth, but since that’s illegal, you really probably shouldn’t do that. Anyways, this relationship ended on a horrible note. You give each other dirty looks when you’re unlucky enough to see one another in public; and then you both text all of your homies and say how much the other sucks and how ugly they are and how much weight they’ve gained. You never realized how much you hate this person until after you broke up and your homies sent you screenshots of the nasty things he/she was tweeting about you. Low blow, crappy ex.
The Ex You Somehow Stay Friends With
This ex also doesn’t suck that much, until you’re drunk calling them at 2 a.m. to buy you pizza and they don’t respond. Leaving you sad, broke and lonely because you ordered a large pie for yourself anyway. This person knows you so well they will probably text you the next morning saying, “were you calling me for pizza again?” And the answer is always yes. You laugh at the fact that you ever dated this person, but we all know you two have secretly made out when your friends were all too drunk to notice. Things just didn’t work out between the two of you for whatever reason, but friends with benefits is always an option.
The Psychotic Ex
If you have never had one of these, you’re probably a relatively normal person. But lets be honest, how many relatively normal people are left in this world? If you claim you’ve never had one, you’re lying. This ex is an eleven on the 1-10 suck scale. They claim they “don’t care” about you so much that they obviously do, they borderline stalk you, and they threaten the lives of all of your potential boo’s. When you get in arguments, there is always aggressive name calling and they will stop at nothing to try and make you jealous. The worst part is, at one time the two of you had an amazing relationship, until things got more serious and their crazy side appeared when they saw you liked someone else’s selfie on Instagram. Damn you, social media, exposing us when we are trying to be sneaky.
The Ex That Got Away
This one seems to be super common, everyone has that one ex that got away because of a mistake you made; or maybe you just weren’t that into them. Either way, they’re gorgeous, successful and in a healthy relationship now and you can’t help but be jealous. Once you see him or her with their new boyfriend or girlfriend, (who is likely to be 1000% cooler and better looking than you), you start to think of all the amazing things that person did for you that they are now doing for their new boo. This is why they suck, because they would never leave their new happy relationship to get back with you. But there’s a cure for this, and it’s called a Long Island. Yum.
The Ex Who You Were Never Officially in a Relationship With
Saving the best for last is a habit of mine, and this ex may not be the best, but the funniest to look back on. This ex if often called the, “what the **** was I thinking” ex. This means that you got involved with this person knowing that they are both troublesome and promiscuous, but you didn’t care. At one time you had a huge crush on this person and once the two of you got together, it was amazing, but you knew the whole time it was going nowhere. So you went out together a few times, had a few sleepovers, shared a few inside jokes, and grew hatred for all of the people you know they hooked up with before you. In the end, the two of you probably lost contact due to the unsaid fact that you would never be together officially. Then one late Saturday night, after about three too many shots of the cheapest liquor at the bar, you have the horrendous idea to text that person to get together. When that night comes, you should probably take Fat Amy’s advice. Actually, you definitely should.
It is obvious that ex’s are a huge part of everyone’s lives. Whether you miss your ex, hate your ex, still love your ex, or are plotting to ruin your ex’s life, my advice to you is to let your ex be an ex. They’re called your ‘ex’ for a reason.
Go out and find someone new and exciting that you can learn everything about, from his or her shoe size to his or her favorite breed of dog. Then once you have done that, pray that they will be different from all of your past ex’s, and if you’re lucky enough, they will be.
And if they’re not, send me an email and I will gladly add what type of ex they are to this article.