The Legend of Block Party Bert

*Editor’s Note: This is a past article that is being republished in the spirit of Block Party.

You’ve heard of Punxsutawney Phil and all his silly fuss
And that lotto-loving knockoff who calls himself Gus
But have you heard of the greatest rodent living under dirt?
Then listen boys and girls to the Legend of Block Party Bert.

Bert was just a baby when his mama saw a quirk
That Bert loved to play while other’s lived to work
Sure, he’d do all his chores, but he’d do them all with haste
Because he hated to have a single day of fun go to waste

Now Bert’s family lived comfortably deep under the ground
But just above their heads lay Pennsyvania’s only town
On Bloomsburg’s campus he would spend his days
Playing midnight bingo and sledding on Common’s trays

Bert was just a groundhog but he could plainly see
That Bloomsburg students’ lives were full of misery
They’d slump to class all day and do homework all night
Bert was concerned that no play was in sight.

Bert had met a friend and his name was Drew
And said to him one day, “Andy what is wrong with you?”
Drew said “I work so hard to have a great career
“But I haven’t had any fun since I’ve been living here”.

Our hero was worried about Andrew’s strife
He heard kids came to college for the best years of their life
But from his time on campus he saw only frowns and gloom
Something had to change and it had to be soon

So Drew and Bert went out…
To a ball game,
But there were no fans.
To talk with CGA,
Who had no plans.
To the commons,
Where the meat can’t be trusted.
To the greek house,
But the party was busted.
To the Big Chill,
But it was too cold to lick it
To the Rec center,
But they got a parking ticket.

“Enough!”, cried Bert, who was sick to be near it
This school had no heart, no gumption, no spirit.
The student’s were beaten by the cold winter season
Bert now had a purpose, BU’s plight gave him reason.

Now Andy has just about accepted his sad fate
And was planning a trip up to near-by Penn State.
When Bert said “Andy, I know summer seems tardy
“But I’ll help your classmates out if you just throw a party!”

Well Drew turned to Bert saying “I don’t understand”
So Bert sat Drew down and laid out the plan.
He’d return in late April each year for a look
And if he saw a celebration he’d get the students off the hook

If Bert was convinced the students partied off their asses
He’d arrange to have only two more full weeks of classes
But if unsatisfied cause the student’s didn’t obey
He’d make them all stay in school till late May.

“Will there be cops?”, Bert answered, “Of Course!”
“They will come on foot, on bike, and on horse”
“But please don’t let the presence be a bother to you”
“This party can’t be stopped by the men in the blue”

Out came the kegs, the bands, and the bongs
The crowds, the shots, and the beer pongs
Bracelets were worn and t-shirts were sold
And all were proud to be maroon and gold

No matter the weather, through rain and through snow
The party continued and the legend did grow
Each year more students would come lose control
It is bad for the liver but so good for the soul

Block Party was born and the student sadness fell
The town doesn’t like it but they can go to hell
Because students work hard and they’re soul begins to hurt
But now they’ll always have one great weekend thanks to Bert

Be sure to have fun, make each Block Party great
Eat, drink, and be merry, for you’ll soon graduate
But come back each year, even after you’re gone
Because while classes may end, Block Party lives on

So study for your finals and earn those good grades
And stay out of trouble and always behave
But once a year go nuts and really throw a fit
Because Block Party Bert says that you deserve it.