Block Party 2010: The Empire Strikes Back

Editors Note: Below is the second article of the Block Party experience trilogy. Written April 26 2010, the second article has a part one(below) and a part two(scroll very far down) Check back in the next week to read the third and final article. As always; be sure to enjoy your day at block party responsibly.

I first began worrying about the legacy of Block Party 2010 on the Friday before the big day. I was leaving Russell’s after a night of Long Island Iced Teas and I stopped to talk to the musician who performs there each week. His name is Irv and I asked him where he was playing his concert at Block Party this year. His answer sent chills down my spine.

“I can’t play anywhere this year, the ordinances are shutting everything down.”

Up until this point, I never paid the ordinances any thought. The town has been trying to regain control of Block Party for the past five years and have failed miserably each time. It has been like watching the Coyote spending all this time setting up an elaborate trap, and then the road runner just blows by and makes him look like a fool.

Now for the first time, it looked like their plan might actually be working. I talked with Eric Bower from Bloomutoday.com a few weeks before Block Party, and he told me that not one house had applied for a party permit. I figured that meant students were just going to ignore the ordinance and call the town’s bluff, or that Block Party would just turn into an out of control event with drunk student’s wandering around town like a zombie movie.

None of that happened. From the Block Party I saw and from what I’ve heard from other people, this year was a huge disappointment. Sure, everyone had a great time as always, but this felt more like a really awesome Saturday than a historic Block Party.

If I can get nerdy on you for just a minute before we get into the drinking and the fighting, last year’s Block Party was like Star Wars: A New Hope. After the near riots that took place in 2007, the town cracked down with new laws and silly wristbands and more horses than the Kentucky Derby. But in spite of all these changes, Bloomsburg University enjoyed arguably one of the best Block Parties ever. The Rebellion survived.

This year? Well, this year was Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. I’d even suggest that we change the name to this year’s event to Cock-Block Party, because that is exactly what happened. We were at the bar, having a great time, we thought we were on to something good, and then the Bloomsburg Town Council swooped in at the goal-line and sent us home alone.

But hey, Block Party is like pizza. Even bad pizza is still better than no pizza. So even with one off the worst Block Parties in recent memory, there were still memorable moments. So, let’s take a look back at the good, the bad, the drunk, the reckless, the happy, and the disappointing day that was Block Party 2010.

9:15 am Sunday 2009– “Someone pooped on my floor…” –Mike Griggs

8:14 am Saturday 2010- “Alright, who pissed in

Steve’s chair?” (Talk about picking up right where we left off.)

8:15 – We awake in the living room to a thunderous crash as Kevin Ward rolls his ankle getting up from the couch. He proceeds to moan, turn lights on, crash into things, and curse to himself until everyone in the room is finally awake and annoyed. After his 4th time crashing into the entertainment center, Griggs warns him, “Ward, if I have to cut you off already… I will”.

8:20 – A naked girl just came walking through the living room carefully stepping over the lifeless bodies all around the floor. Yep, it’s Block Party morning.

8:29- While the rest of us are still trying to milk the last one minute we have left until our alarm clocks go off, Ward continues to be an all-around nuisance. He has again turned all the lights on in the living room. I was so mad I can’t even remember the punch-line for this entry.

8:30- The entire room has turned into gremlins. We shouldn’t have eaten after midnight and we all hate bright light.

8:34- “Alright everyone, time to wake up. We have to go to PNC bank and get a mess of beer”. – Kevin Ward.

8:35- Ed O’neil is in the house

8:44-Everyone cracks their first beer, but the naked girl is now clothed. Not sure if Block Party is headed in a positive or negative direction right now.

8:59-(original entry) The wig is on. No one will know. Allow me to explain. Following the popularity of last year’s Block Party article, I realized that it would be nearly impossible to work on a sequel without everyone noticing me. The last thing I want are people recognizing me and my notebook, and acting phony just to get their names in the story. The point of this article is to get an accurate portrayal of Block Party. In order to do so, I wore a disguise this year that consisted of a blond surfer wig and a high school bowling hat. I also decided to send my “Bloomsburg Dad” t-shirt into retirement. This isn’t part of the disguise, I’ve just realized that with each passing day I am in the real world, the shirt becomes less funny and more creepy.

9:04- “It is not a sprint guys, it is a marathon” – Austin Launikonis

“Oh yeah, well today I’m gonna sprint a marathon”- Me

9:09 – “I’m going to the store and I’m going to find an entire case of Pomegrantite Mike’s Hard Lemonade” – Mike Griggs.

I posted this original entry for 3 reasons. 1) To show how badly I butchered the spelling of Pomegranate. 2) To explain why I appear to have purple lip stick on in most of photos 3) Because this sentence was followed by the most sarcastic response I’ve ever heard from our buddy Austin, who believed this feat would be impossible.

9:15– Quick fact. Did you know that a Pomegranate is known as the “Chinese Apple”? I had no clue, but apparently the rest of the world did. I asked that question at a Quizzo night that I host and at least 85% of the teams got it right. I feel like I was really out of the loop on this one.

9:30- Me, Ward, and Griggs leave for the beer run. Along the way we picked up our friends Jamie and Chelsea. We probably should have warned them that I didn’t have pants on before they climbed into the backseat with me, but they should know by now that on Block Party you have to be ready for anything.

9:45- Jamie officially becomes the first Block Party Villain of the year. This entire car ride around town, she had a pair of shorts under her sweatpants. I’ve been risking getting arrested for public indecency all morning, and she’s had a spare pair of pants the entire time. Unless this was an elaborate scheme to see me half naked, in which case she is a Block Party Hero. There is a thin line.

10:00- Return to the house with a case of twisted tees and two cases of beer to go along with the 6 cases of beer we bought Friday night and the fresh keg on the porch. No one seems excited by this. The real buzz at the party right now is who peed in Steve’s room last night.

10:15- Terry allegedly rips a nuclear fart that threatens to clear the entire house out. Most people flee the kitchen, but our friend Shannon stays seated and decides to grit it out. This leads to my favorite joke of the morning, when Zach Hoffman claims that the fart was so strong, “Shannon is infertile now”. Meanwhile, Terry quietly tells me that he didn’t fart, and that he believes that Ward is the criminal. We now have our second mystery of the morning, and it is just as gross as the first.

10:33- I go out back to grab a beer from the cooler and quickly realize that it is not underwear weather. I finally decide to put on some pants while hoping the sun will come out later.

10:37- Keg is tapped

10:38- Well, here is when things get awkward gang. “Joe, did you pee on my chair?”- Steve.

10:39- Like an episode of LOST when a character in the sideways reality suddenly becomes aware of their island memories, everything comes flashing back to me. After a late night at Russell’s and Harry’s on Friday, I stumbled back to the house where I was put to bed in the hallway. Steve was nice enough to give me a pillow and blanket, I was nice enough to accidentally stumble into his room (in my defense, it is right next to the bathroom), and start relieving myself onto his computer chair. At this time, our buddy Jeff woke up and startled me, and as I quickly realized I am not in the bathroom, I sprint out the door leaving a trail of urine. I am not proud of any of this. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of Steve’s bad luck for the weekend.

10:42- Steve kind of forgives me. Not only does he earn Block Party Hero honors, he is now the leading candidate for Block Party MVP.

10:52- “Where are all the girls?” – random (but observant) Block Partier

“I dunno, but it looks like we are having sausage for breakfast”- Me

11:05- Me and Austin realize that we haven’t brushed our teeth yet today. Someone jokes that we should brush our teeth with a bottle of Jack. We grab the bottle of Jack and head upstairs. It really didn’t take much convincing.

11:06 – So the review. Brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack really isn’t that bad. My only advice is not to try to brush the back of your tongue, because that is a passport to gag city.

11:08- The Kesha song actually comes on the radio… two minutes too late for an awesome moment

11:10- Shannon Cooke is a Block Party Hero. Everyone knows how easy it is to mess up Jello shots. Well she perfected the art in the form of delicious blue raspberry treats. And she made hundreds of them. And she was drinking Mad Dog. Shannon was pitching a perfect game.

11:15- But really, where are all the girls?

11:20- Our first fight of the day. Me, Ward, and Ezekiel were competing in a “Tee-Off” (Chug a twisted tea, the first one done wins). Now we all realize that no one will ever beat Ward. He was specially designed to be a drinking machine. If he was alive in ancient Rome, commoners who witnessed him drink would believe he was a descendent of Zeus and Hercules would be jealous of Ward’s powers. With that being said, I was within one gulp from a 1st place tie. While I am celebrating my near Cinderella story, Ward claims to everyone in ear-shot that he beat me by “no less than three gulps”. This is complete nonsense, but everyone believed him because he is the undisputed champ. To make matters worse, I can’t even challenge him to a rematch because he would slaughter me. Thankfully, I am the journalist and he is not, so I get the final word. And remember, I told you the truth about peeing in my friends room… why would I lie about this. You be the judge.

11:25- “I hate strip clubs. Why should I pay somebody for something I can do for free?”-Nate Varano

11:31- “I lost my virginity in the old baseball house”- Mike Griggs

11:33- There are two baseball related events that always end with vomit. The first is any Mets game. The second is Dizzy bat. The girls next door were enjoying the game when one of them ripped a line-drive deep to left field. The batter lost her balance and fell down behind my car. Impressed by her hit and concerned for her safety, I ran down to check on her. As I was congratulating her, she threw up next to my drivers side door.

11:37- Our boy Matt shows up and it is the first sighting of the Block Party Hulk Hands. I would love to print the jokes we made about what Matt is going to do with those Hulk Hands later, but the material is shocking even for the internet.

11:45- Mike’s Hard Lemonade: The best thing to happen to Lemonade since the Lemon.

11:57- Ward pees off the back porch. It is not even noon yet, but honestly, what can I say to anyone else about their peeing habits right now?

11:59- “I can’t feel my feet” – Huffy

12:03 – “Dear Joe, I love your hair. Sorry for this morning <3” – Geralee (AKA Naked girl from this morning)

12:04- Jeff sits down on a plastic cooler, and falls right through the lid. Don’t worry, all the beer escaped safely.

12:05- The drink of the party up until this point has been “The Lunch Box” (Half glass of beer, Half orange juice, and a shot of ameretto.) At this time, Zach Silver had the brilliant idea to add Jello shots to the Lunch Box. It tasted so bad, we renamed it “Dan Knorr’s butt hole”.

12:07- It wouldn’t be a cliché college party with a bunch of kids singing Sweet Caroline off the back porch. If a Journey song comes on next I might just go to bed and call it a day.

12:10- Keg stands

12:11- Jesse, one of the main characters from last year’s adventure could not attend in 2010. Jesse’s Girl just came on the radio. This one goes out to you buddy.

12:15- People have been tossing around the term Block Party Hero a little too loosely for my liking. I make a new rule that if you are going to nominate someone, if better be for something outrageous. That decree leads to someone writing this in the notebook.

Block Party Hero Mattie Sowash killed a dragon, and then forces the entire party to sip a water bottle full of vondka.

Normally I would have just laughed this off as a clever story, but just a few weeks ago my friend Adam was telling me about his autistic nephew who told his dad he caught a Troll, locked it in the bathroom, and was feeding it skittles. After a few days of laughing this off, the dad decides to investigate the origins of the Troll story. He goes to his son’s house, opens the bathroom door, and finds a midget tied up with skittles all around him. Apparently the midget was working for the Census Bureau and when he knocked on the door the kid pummeled him and held him captive.

So I am not saying I believe Mattie, but I am saying that she was pretty drunk and maybe we should look into this dragon stuff some more.

12:25- In what has quickly become a tradition at our parties, we throw a TV off the roof. This act started last summer when Griggs and our friend Vinnie were graduating, and we wanted to do something big in their memory. To date we have thrown four TV’s off of the roof. Today, we brought four more with us. This was the smallest one, and it helped attract the biggest crowd we’ve seen all day. (Estimates are around 149 people at this point, so suck on that one town council.)

12:40- Von finally shows up to a less than enthusiastic greeting. He is our yearly cook, and this year he is four hours late and we are starving. Von is a Block Party Villian and our yearly cock (and that was not a typo)

1:00 – “Why can’t Hellen Keller drive? Because she is a women”1:02- Someone said “Kyle Jeon is the man and everyone agreed!”

I don’t even know who this guy is. I have to stop giving the note book away…

1:05- Wards mom calls to tell us the Powerball Jackpot is at 218 million dollars. Ward explains to us, “That is 218 million beers on dollar beer night!”

Beer:30 – Everyone is drinking

1:06- Twisted Tea with Vodka > Lunch Box with Jello shot

1:09- “Yeah, that kid told me he dyed his hair. He looks homosexual” –girl 1

“Nah, I think I remember him from last year. He is cool”- girl 2

So the wig is fooling some people, but not everyone. I should have went with a fake mustache.

1:10- Someone just screamed out “Babies first keg stand!”, which might be the best or worst name for a children’s book.

1:27- Marcus flew 13,000 miles to come to Block Party this year. Hero.

1:28- I lost my wig and hat

1:30- Zeke throws 3rd TV off the roof. We are so drunk at the point, that we completely missed the 2nd TV. I don’t remember much, but I do recall that the second one almost hit someone who came walking out from under the porch at the last minute. Anyway, my favorite part about the TV tradition is that everyone at this party is poor, but we are wasting hundreds of dollars worth of perfectly working electronic equipment. I miss college.

1:40- Von finally cooks me a Von Burger. It is very late, but so very good. If Steve can forgive me for ruining his carpet, I can forgive Von.

1:50- A BLOCK PARTY MIRACLE! A few of our neighbors who saw us throwing TV’s off the roof have just informed us that they have a big screen TV in their house that they have been trying to get rid of. The party is in a state of shock right now. It takes five guys and about 20 minutes of struggling, but we managed to get to the roof with the device and with an even bigger crowd of 149.9 people in attendance, we break the record for the longest TV toss by at least six feet. I may forget alot this day, but I will never forget this. (And I am not kidding, because I am pretty sure I tore my shoulder carrying it).

1:51- Buckle up. Time to head into town

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Block Party 2010: The Sequels Sequel

 

So you finished part 1 of the Block Party recap and you are probably thinking one of three things: “It is really going to be dangerous mowing that lawn with all the TV glass sprinkled around”, “I can’t wait to go to the bar and order a Dan Knorr’s Butthole”, or “This has been fun, but when does Block Party start”?

I completely agree. So far this party has been a great time (girls even eventually showed up! Which made the whole “drinking mikes hard lemonade and twisted tea” thing slightly more acceptable), but like I said before this event seemed more like a really great Saturday afternoon than the biggest Bloomsburg party of the year.

At my first Block Party I saw mud wrestling and a honest-to-god mudslide (which to college students is just a dirty slip-and-slide). My third Block Party was the now notorious “Riot Block Party” that eventually lead to the ordinances. Last years Block Party, well you can read about that one here.

This year’s Block Party? Not really known for anything at this point in the story. If you know about the legend of Block Party Bert, you might be pretty worried about the fate of Bloomsburg student’s summer vacation right now.

So even though this shin-dig has been a great time, we now must pack our bags and adventure out into the town of Bloomsburg, because this is not just a house party, this is Block Party. (Read that sentence in the deep voice of the guy who does the movie trailers. Thanks.)

2:15- We return to our story to find one of our heroes in some trouble. According to the notebook, Ward has not been having a good half hour. We have reports from The Voice’s sports editor Justin Lockowitz that Ward has “torn his ball sack” in a tragic Dizzy Bat accident, and that he is now “out for the weekend”. His return is listed at doubtful

2:17- In a stunning development, Zach “I am not a doctor, but I have been drinking since 9 am” Hoffman is operating on Ward’s knee in the middle of the living room. This sight is not for the squeamish. Zach is yanking on Ward’s leg (apparently trying to pop the joint back into place), as Ward screams obscenities and punches the wall. Unfortunately our first aid kit doesn’t have anesthesia, so we give Ward a shot of whiskey and a pencil to bite down on.

2:19- Zach fixes the knee problem, but is less than enthusiastic about checking out Ward’s ball sack.

2:24- My notebook reads, “Geralee gets patted down by gay Richard”. I am 99% sure gay Richard was the first ever winner of Survivor. Someone check this for me.

2:45- Again, my note book is telling me that “Jess and Silver have sex… in Jeff’s bed”. I really hope Jess or Silver updated this journal during the act. The Block Party notebook lost it’s virginity at Block Party 2010. There is something poetic about that.

2:47- ‘Jeff knocks and finds out it is Silver in the room. He is 100% of with it.’

2:50- “I was drunk and she said I was cute” – Marcus. Am I the only one who pictures Marcus telling this story to his kids one day when they ask how he met their mother?

2:46- Marcus tells us that he loves Quinn Catostrophic and plans to marry her. My prediction is coming true! The Block Party notebook loses its’ virginity and Marcus finds true love!

(side note- I doubt that Quinn Catostrophic is her real name. BUT, if it is I insist that she keeps her maden name when her and Marcus get married. And if it isn’t her real name, than it is clearly her professional wrestler or porn star alias.)

2:48- “Foursome is sleeping”. 1) For anyone who doesn’t know, my nickname is Fearsome Foursome. 2) I need photo evidence of this before I believe it

2:49- SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

2:51- Everybody is having sex!! ahhhh

2:52- I love Poppa Joe. I love you to anonymous stranger who signed the notebook.

3:00- Like a promised, we finally leave the house and head into town. Apparently I was drunker than I thought, because pictures are surfacing of me posing with strangers as they try my wig on. While headed towards Light Street, someone screams out their window “Mike Griggs, you like vagina and that is a good thing!” We now have an instant contender for the best 2011 Block Party t-shirt.

3:13- We finally make it to Lightstreet, or as it will now be known as, lights-out street. Remember when I said Block Party seems more like an awesome Saturday. Well Lightstreet is reminding me of a boring Sunday. There is really nothing going on. All of the houses are being hospitable though. One kind person even invited me in for some butterscotch candies and a look at a dusty old photo album. Block Party 2010!

3:20- A man just walked by carrying a cardboard cut-out of the Dos Equis “Most interesting man in the world”. The most interesting man in the world just made a cameo during the least interesting part of the day. That is hauntingly poetic.

3:30- Block Party is on life support. It’s next to kin (homecoming and bar crawl) have been contacted. There will be a candle light vigil tonight in front of Carver.

3:31- Let me paint you two contrasting pictures. Today I am sitting in a house on Fetterman, watching TV, as 5 strangers quietly discuss some ABC family movie that is on TV. It is 3:31 pm on Block Party. The last time I was at this exact same house was at last year’s Block Party when I hooked up with the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. This isn’t me bragging. I openly admit that I out-kicked my coverage badly in this hook-up. Remember in Knocked Up when Seth Rogan is about to have sex with Katherine Hiegel, and he stares at her and realizes out-loud that she is “prettier than him”. Well that was me times 100. To make it worst, I had my infamous Abe Lincoln beard at the height of it’s powers. This hook-up was the upset of the century. It would be like Lebron James signing with the 76ers this summer. So why am I saying all this? At last year’s Block Party, miracles happened. This year, we are watching the Wizards of Waverly Place.

3:44- Ward is hitting on someone at this “party”, and my buddy Carlos realizes that this girl babysit’s the kids of Bloomsburg’s Baseball coach. Ward played baseball at Bloom for 4 years. I am not sure if there is actually something funny here, or if it is just a coincidence, and frankly I am too depresses at this point to even care. It is going in the Block Party journal. You win Town Council. You have broken my spirit.

4:00- Ward is getting drunker and I am getting more bummed out. I summon the energy to give Ward a riveting pep talk about how he has to become the funnest man in town and save Block Party. Ward kicks down a stranger’s door, walks in the living room and informs the member’s of this house that we are now playing flip cup. Block Party Hero.

4:05- The last two entries are literally straight gibberish. I don’t know who wrote them, but of the half page in the note book these paragraphs span, the only three words I can read are “funniest 15 minutes”.

4:10- We are now at the “Old Baseball House” (next to the police station), and Block Party is alive and well. Steph writes in my notebook that she loves my wig. I added this in because for the next few entries, it is important to remember that I have a wig on.

4:52- If you read my Block Party recap last year, you remember Trent Steele. He is the mad with the name of a professional wrestler, he wears weird suits to Block Party, and he has “52,000 myspace friends for being awesome”. How could you forget a guy like that?

Well guess who just walked into the house? Bingo. Saying that this man wasn’t welcome at the party is an understatement. He was confronted immediately and told to leave. When someone asked if anyone knew him, I stupidly shouted “That is Trent Steele!”. Now I was being thrown out by someone who I am told was the La Crosse coach’s sister for being associated with Steele. When i tried to explain to her who I was, she said, “I know exactly what you are. You are an undercover cop. Maybe try a better wig next time asshole.”

After the confusion was cleared up, I was invited to stay. I left anyway, because there clearly wouldn’t be a funnier moment at the party.

5:10- I don’t know who Josh Rhodes is, but he just signed this in my notebook:

“Brittany McNiel is in love with me but doesn’t know it yet. Her boyfriend is a douche.

5:25- It has been a looooooooong day.

(Everything from this point on makes no sense in the notebook, but I have been doing some post-Block Party investigating and will try to summarize the rest of the night)

5:41- I remember being hungry, so I think me, Griggs, and Carlos went to OIP’s for some pizza. Afterward Carlos took us to some girl’s house. I went into her room and took a nap without saying a word to anyone. Remember the old revolutionary law that colonists had to open their quarters to British soldiers? Well Block Party has the same rules for drunk friends-of-friends. If I can’t stand anymore, I can use your bed.

6:30- I officially touch the Block Party journal for the last time. I leave it at the original party house and head off into the night to make an ass of myself. Geralee bravely attempts to carry on the Block Party recap without me. I am very proud of her.

?:??- I remember being at Russel”s Bar with Griggs for a while. We were in the back bar.

What? Are you waiting for a joke? Let’s just consider it amazing that I remembered that much.

?:??– Griggs takes me to a house party next to the fountain. I legit don’t remember really anything from this part of the night, so I will let the photos tell the story.

 

?:??- The most touching moment of Block Party. I am passed out on the kitchen floor with a pillow and what I thought was a bottle of vodka (it was water). Griggs lays down on the floor next to me, and in our Bob Huggins moment, he whispers these inspiring words into my ear, “Joe, you can lay here and pass out and call this the end of Block Party 2010, or you can get up, dust yourself off, and walk out this front door with me and walk into Harry’s with our heads held high.”

?:??- We are at Harry’s.

?:??– Keep in mind, some of the details may not be entirely accurate. My state of mind is no secret here. I remember going downstairs desperately needing to sit down. I see a group of girls at a booth with an empty chair. I jump in the chair without noticing who was sitting there. I don’t know how long I sat there or what I was saying before I realized that I knew one of the girls. I can’t remember if this was awkward or not, because I don’t know if we are on good or bad terms right now. But I do remember that I was allowed to sit down, and this prevented me from throwing up. So I am going to call her a Block Party hero.

?:??- I think Mattie just bought me a shot. I run to the bathroom and throw up. I think it was goldschlagger

?:??: We close down Harry’s. On the way home we pass the scene of the greatest Block Party fight ever. Check the video on Bloomutoday.com. The guy gets knocked out in one punch. Me and Griggs missed this. We arrived to find the victim passed out in the street. Not knowing a fight just took place, Griggs walks over to one of the 20 police officers in the area and says, “you might want to check on this guy”. The cop kindly tells us we might want to go home.

?:?? I tihnk Griggs goes home at this point, and I do my “sit in Balzano’s by myself in a drunk stupper and hope someone finds me and takes me home” routine.

?:?? I try walking home, but it is too cold. I jump on the drunk bus and drive around until they kick me off.

?:?? I try breaking into some of my friends homes so I can crash on a couch. This would have been a great plan if any of my friends still lived in these houses.

?:??- wake up passed out in the upstairs hallway of some stranger’s house on light street. It is time to go home.

?:??- ?????????. Bed time?

9:45 am Sunday- “No! no… no… NO, NO NO NO HELL NO!” – Steve Martz

9:46– “Who the hell shit on my towel?”- Steve Martz

9:47- I swear to god it wasn’t me this time.

9:48- Block Party 2010.

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