You Are What You Drink
Everyone’s heard the saying , “you are what you eat.” Well, the same can be said about your alcoholic beverage of choice. You are indeed what you drink. The choices you make about what to drink for the time being can say a hell of a lot about the type of personality you have whether you know it or not. Everyone will be judging you based on the label on that bottle, can, or box. It’s college, where else can you find a more diverse group of people all defined by alcohol.
Ridiculously Expensive Alcohol (Ciroc)
First off you’re in college…need I say more? Hello broke college students everywhere. If you have Ciroc and you aren’t some form of celebrity, I will instantly think;
- A) mommy or daddy gives you a weekly allowance or
- B) you’re the typical “Ciroc boy,” a.k.a what drugs are you selling today?
Come on let’s be real, this is Bloomsburg so chances are it’s probably drug money. I mean, hello, a bottle, not a handle, can be almost $40; and no, you’re not too good for some cheap $7 vodka. You will not get laid any faster if you drink Ciroc, nor will you gain more friends. You are the classic, “I’m better than everyone else and will use my money to make it known.” You can’t buy your friends; just like you can’t buy your popularity…this isn’t high school bruh.
Fruity Drinks (Svedka with Mix)
Generally, this is commonly a girly drink. They are great when you’re not man enough to throw back some brews and would rather carry your cup, mixer or bendy straw included drink. If you’re a guy and this is your go to drink, there literally are no words to describe you. Maybe you don’t want the extra calories from a beer or two, but instead will always pick some cold V8 over anything else. You might be the kind of person who literally doesn’t listen to any judgment and will end up being the life of the party showing off your moves all night.
Cheap Vodka (Vlad)
You clearly have no standards, or you’re a freshman. Welcome to “The Church of Vlad”, no worshiper will be turned away from this miracle liquid. By miracle liquid, you certainly are open to a night of sin, regret, and possible (definite) loss of dignity. You’re on a budget so why not splurge on that $10 bottle of pure rubbing alcohol. You live with that “I don’t give a shit” mentality; you do what you want and might just be an alcoholic in the end.
*Warning: You will be judged for your cheap beverage you’ve been forewarned, but in reality what college student hasn’t spent the night with Vlad at some point.
Cheap Beer (Natty’s/ Keystone/ Hamms)
Welcome to drinking on a college budget. What street in Bloomsburg doesn’t have its fair share of tossed empty Natty cans? So what if you’re still on a high school drinking level? It’s not just freshmen who drink their fair share of Nattys. You are the classic college student, willing to get wasted on the most cringe worthy cheapest beer possible. Bloomsburg, land of the Natty’s, and you just happen to be one of the many frequent consumers. You don’t care if it takes a few until you realize it goes down like water. You live for the nights in frat basements on sticky floors with backpacks full of beer. With each top popped, you aim for a confidence boost.
Ciders (Redd’s, Angry Orcard)
You just have the need to be different from the rest of the party. Well, you go Glenn Coco. Most likely you still don’t enjoy the taste of beer, and vodka is just totally out of the question for you. You like to play it safe and enjoy a drink with a better taste. So what if you might have to spend a few extra bucks, you still like playing it safe. Even if you’re the only one not drinking beer or vodka you end the night with a buzz.
Boxed Wine (Franzia)
Congratulations! You’ve reached white girl status; do you want a caramel macchiato with that? Don’t forget to capture the moment and take an Instagram pic with all your girls. No, but seriously what white girl hasn’t had their fair share of boxed wine? A night of wine, all under $20, why not be a classy cheap. Who says being classy comes with a price? Nobody. So go put that pinky up, pour a glass of wine out of that box or slap that bag. Of course, you have to do it all with style.
Tequila
Tequila is a rare occurrence as someone’s drink of choice for the night. You don’t just casually drink Jose Cuervo every night. It’s an impulse buy right then and there in the liquor store. You’re the type of person with a “you do you” mentality; not always wanting to go with the flow and occasionally wanting to change things up. Not to mention, once you have your eye on that bottle your first thought is “**** it let’s get crazy,” seeing as the rest of the night you will end up dancing the night away Ke$ha style.
Whiskey
There’s only very few things to be said about this decision. First, you’ve reached the big boy status and are a true man for drinking this, even if you’re a girl. Second, if this isn’t a “Total Frat Move,” then I don’t know what is. You straight up know what you like and might even be considered an old man for the time being. You don’t take your whiskey in a shot glass anymore, you like it in a “rocks glass neat.” Whatever that means. All you need now is to pull out some nice cigars, sit back and enjoy the night.
