A Truce to Stop the Madness

I can admit when I am wrong. It happens often.
I thought Carlos Ruiz would have a great season offensively for the Phillies. I promised my mom I would graduate in four years. I even thought I could convince people that they did not need to vote.
Well I ended up going 0-3 (much like Ruiz actually). No matter my efforts, many people are still psyched about this election. I have come to grips with this. Touché America.
I have successfully completed the four stages of Presidential Election-itis: Denial, Annoyance, Bargaining and finally Acceptance. From this date until November 4th, I vow to tolerate the political nonsense,
but not before laying some ground rules first. This election is like a house party that got out of control. Maybe a few too many guests were invited, some of the newer kids did not know how to handle themselves, and a few too many members of rival cliques attended, and next thing you know no one is having a good time.
So before someone busts up our presidential party, I have a few guidelines that will help make these final few weeks as pleasant as possible:
1) When writing or speaking about the subject, can we please stop referring to this year’s election as “historic” or “important.” Every presidential election is important. This is like saying, “The selection in the commons today was poor,” or “this hockey game is boring.” It is just something that does not really need to be said.
Look, it is true that this fall is the most vital moment in our country’s history… until 2012 when we do it all over again.

2) Can we please stop with the argument that “It is important for our generation to vote because a new president can really affect the lives of college students.” Unless we are all on the Van Wilder track, I honestly do not think McCain or Obama will have too must of an effect on our student loans and tuitions.
Voting for a president based on what they can do for college students would be like buying a coat and then moving to Florida. Let the high school class of 2009 worry about FASFA’s. Give me a president who will serve an unemployed 24-year-old whose skill set includes Madden ’09 and sarcasm.
Furthermore, “our generation” comprises people who still think it is a good idea to have parties on Light Street on a Wednesday night. Maybe we do not really know what is in our best interest yet afterall.

3) This is a two-parter. First, to the cast and crew of Saturday Night Live: Welcome back to relevance. We’ve missed you. I’ve missed you. Heck, I’ve been a mess without you. But if you think I am going to blindly hop back on the bandwagon, you are mistaken. I need some kind of long-term commitment. I swear, if I tune into an episode in late November and you are not funny again, I’m never coming back. Don’t tease me, Lorne Michaels.
Second, to the public: Stop discussing these skits in a political way now. I don’t know how Palin’s appearance on SNL affected the polls. I don’t care to know how they affected the polls. I watched the show to laugh, not to engage in deep conversation the next day at the water cooler. The only acceptable small talk that should come from these appearances should be along the lines of “Was Palin funny last night?” or “What could they have done that would have been funnier?” That is it. No compromise. (And yes, the show was funny but they missed a golden opportunity. Palin should have pretended to be Tina Fey during Weekend Update.)

4) I have no problem with students setting up shop around campus and hassling passersby about the upcoming election. While it can sometimes be annoying, it is good to see some people on this campus passionate about something for once. If their attitude and determination rubbed off on a few more students around campus, Bloomsburg would defiantly be a more interesting place to live.

Still, I hate to nitpick but we have to do something regarding our “double-jeopardy” problem. This refers to being confronted multiple times in the same day by the same person about the same subject. Listen, I gave you a few minutes of my time before lunch, but there is only so many minutes I can devote to nagging conversation. I do not expect you to remember every single person you talk to each day, but we need a system. That is why I suggest a password. After we talk voting with you for a few minutes, you give us a password that will prove that we already conversed with you. Therefore, when you try to stop us again three hours later, we can smile, say “tsetse fly,” and walk on by with no guilt.

So there you have it. I think this is more then a fair compromise. I admit this is a histori… eh, I mean I admit we should all pay attention to this election, and everyone else follows these rules to make sure no one gets hurt this fall. Vote early, vote often, and then let us never talk about it again.

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