25 Thoughts I Had While Watching American Horror Story: Hotel

Popcorn in hand and blankets in tow, we gather around TVs with anticipation as a ‘Content Warning’ pops up on the screen. Who are we? We are the devoted and slightly deranged fans who wait impatiently for the next episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. With each new episode comes a new twist, a new turn, and a whole lot more sex, blood and terror. We thrive on the crazy as our minds wander and attempt to decipher the insanity that is jam packed into every minute.  It’s time to put down your phone and prepare to have an unhealthy obsession with psychopaths; Hotel is open for business.

  1. There is a BODY in that mattress.
  2. You have to use ammonia to clean out the stains left by the dead woman’s body. Oh you poor, poor thing!
  3. Okay, yep. Gaga is definitely a vampire. A damn sexy vampire.
  4. Netflix and Chill or feeding on the blood of others: a daily struggle in the life of a hot vamp.
  5. If horror movies have taught us anything, it’s don’t look behind the ominous shower curtain.tristan drinking
  6. Oh gosh…is there a head in that box? Se7en flashback! Kevin Spacey would make a great addition to the cast actually.
  7. Finn Wittrock is back and my lord. Is it acceptable to think he’s sexy now that he isn’t a complete psychopath obsessed with clowns? Yes, yes it is.
  8. Okay, he’s still a tad bit insane. We all have flaws, right?
  9. Taking a bite out of a sandwich in a musty, abandoned hallway is probably not the best idea. Maggots DO add protein though I guess.
  10. Evan Peters is back! Yes, finally!enhanced-13703-1444937176-13
  11. Is Peters more homicidal than Wittrock!? What is this universe?
  12. Holden, she’s your sister. Find someone else to snack on.
  13. Wittrock is now a vampire. My question is: do all vamps have to be incredibly gorgeous?
  14. Gaga is a boss, but damn is she heartless. She’s the only woman alive crazy enough to dump Matt Bomer.
  15. “Its been a long time since a man spun me around like that.” Get it girl! Kathy Bates is absolutely my spirit animal.
  16. James Patrick March = Peters = Creepy Mustache, Gatsby look-alike. I am NOT okay with this. He’s just a little too psychotic to find attracti1444916482-ahs-502-0250d-hires1ve this season.
  17. He’s filthy rich and builds a hotel for the sole purpose of creating a torture chamber for unsuspecting guests. Ima’ let you finish, but you would think he would bribe the cops and hire a really good lawyer.
  18. Ok, Gaga has to be March’s wife, right?
  19. “A part of me wishes you could go first so I could launder the sheets.” Well, at least the wicked laundress is dedicated.
  20. She did not just do “Eeny-Meeny-Minie-Mo” to choose which weapon would kill her. This damn show!
  21. Detective hottie is staying in March’s old office, room 64? This show is starting to make sense.
  22. If I’m ever given room 64, I’m leaving automatically and bathing in Holy Water.
  23. Sexy insane male model picks up sexy lumberjack on Grindr. That’s all well and good, but meet in a well-lit public place, not a creepy old hotel. Safety first.
  24. “Just ‘cause I’m sucking on a dude doesn’t mean I’m gay.” Not to mention the fact that you were just about to be catcher before you rudely sliced him open.
  25. This show is absolutely insane and makes little sense; and I love it.