We are now squad deep into the Christmas season. Tinsel is everywhere, peppermint mocha is in all our drinks, pastries and alcohol, and you have the urge to mention (and sing!) Wham’s “Last Christmas” every 15 minutes. This season is almost perfect. Based on the title above, you can probably guess where I’m going with this.
Why do I think the “12 Days of Christmas” is the absolute WORST? Okay well let me drag this song in bulleted numbers. It doesn’t have the same effect if I would just write it in paragraphs. Paragraphs are for polite people and English teachers.
- It is the laziest song ever written.
- 80% of this song is repeating the same thing over and over again. “No Rachael, not really. You build the song and add more phrases as you go!” Groundbreaking.
- The song is boring as hell
- No electric guitar riffs, no epic drum solos (not even from the 12 Drummers Drumming), and no vocals by Prince. NEXT!
- It’s not relatable
- Unlike “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” where I have indeed complained about the cold with a significant other, I have never owned five golden rings in my life. It turns my skin green. So no, I do not understand the relevance of five golden pieces of jewelry to Christmas.
- The song is unnecessarily long.
- If Stingy Sally, or Sal (everyone is stingy), didn’t want so many damn things for Christmas, we wouldn’t have to sit through this mouth vomit in the anatomy of the Christmas season. He/She just keeps asking for more stuff. Isn’t a Christmas tree and five golden rings enough for you? Three French hens? Turtle doves? Calling birds? Geese? Is this a Christmas Carol or the story of Noah’s Ark? Which brings me to my next point…
- “Maids a Milkin’????”
- What are they milking? Cows probably, but an explanation would be great. The song goes into so much detail as to what type of birds and hens she wants. But when they’re talking about an act such as milking, they think, , “Nah the listeners can just interpret this in their own way”.
- Doesn’t tell you how this gets paid
- Who is paying for these unnecessary things? It is reported that this song was published in 1780. I don’t think a regular Joe could afford these things at this time. Maybe if we adjusted for 2016 inflation, things would start piecing together. I am a writer, not a mathematician so if anyone wants to figure this one out, be my guest.
No cute child’s choir or Muppets remake will convince me otherwise that this song is a pimple on the beautiful porcelain face of Christmas. I know that this is a short list, but I don’t like to beat the art of dragging to death like a dead horse. I’ll leave that to Wendy Williams.