My Interview with Hollywood

Between all the DCEU news, the declining state of the summer box office, the rising state of the fall box office, and James Cameron’s controversial comments about Wonder Woman, this past month has been one of the busiest entertainment news months in movie history. In response to this, I sat down with one of the most iconic figures of all time to get some perspective on this; a very special guest here at Bloomsburg, the living embodiment of the entertainment industry itself, Hollywood.

After introducing myself, and Hollywood gratuitously pointing out the “sick gear Hollywood wears” (which included a Star Wars t-shirt, an “I love Stan Lee” hat, aviator shades, and Minions tattoos on both arms), we sat down and I started my interview while Hollywood began chugging a Rockstar energy drink

It’s a pleasure to meet you, Hollywood. How are you?

I’m rad, bro! I just flew back from a creative meeting at Universal and, boy, are my premises tired. Aaahhhhhhh, I’m just joking, the movie business has never been better. Woooooooo! (pulls out another Rockstar energy drink and begins to chug it) Blech… woo! HOLLYWOOD!

Wow. You’re very cocained.

I am. I’m Hollywood, man!

So… anyway, there’ve been a number of reports about a variety of movies about the DC Comics character, The Joker, in development. Personally, I feel that all of these movies seem dumb and unnecessary. What do you think of it?

Yeah, I don’t see what the big deal is. (In a rough voice that is meant to imitate the public) “Ohhh, Joker. No Joker. Bad Joker.” Uh, news flash: I’m full of bad ideas. I’ve filmed eleven of them today. Seventeen trailers and three commercials for the Nissan Versa. Come on! I can’t believe people are so upset, like, I’ve got WAY worse ideas floating around inside my head then Joker origin movies. I can just shout ’em out whenever I want. Penguin Origins! 103 Dalmatians! Gotham! Wait…

Ummm…

Are you seriously complaining about Joker movies? Well, if you’re upset about that then get ready for that Nuclear Man spin-off reboot that I’m working on with Francis Ford Coppola. Spoiler Alert: It suuuuuuuuuuucks.

Man, that sounds bad. But Hollywood, what about the summer box office? It’s down from last year. Are you worried about losing money?

Hell, no! Pffft, box office. I’m not worried about the box office. You know why?

Why’s that, Hollywood?

Chikety China the Chinese Chicken. I mean, I take all my tired franchises to China. (Starts counting them off) The Fast and the Furious, Minions, Pirates of the Caribbean, NOT TRANSFORMERS! YOU SUCK NOW!

(An awkward silence)

No money, baby.

Oh.

No, but China’s where you go when you wanna get (chants the Chinese xylophone tune) pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-paaaaiiiiid.

Uhhhh….

And yes, that is kind of racist cuz I’m Hollywood. Get used to it.

Well…

But you know what, if I had only put out King Arthur and Rough Night this summer, I still wouldn’t be worried one little bit. And you wanna’ know why?

Why, Hollywood?

(Reaches down under the seat and pulls out a toy lightsaber before starting to chant the Star Wars theme) “Cash! Cash, cash, cash! Cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, caaaaaaaash!” STAR WARS, BABY! Oh, I got Star Wars. I got The Last Jedi. I got Han Solo. I’m gonna’ give you so many Star Wars movies. You’ve got Jabba the Hutt, Yoda, Obi-Wan, that butt-chin guy from the Cantina, that one Jawa that went “Deedee.” They’re all getting movies. And when I’m done with Star Wars here, guess where I’m taking them to. CHINA, BABY! (Throws the toy lightsaber away and pulls out a Mike’s Hard Lemonade) Let’s keep this party going.

Oh, well… speaking of the box office for the latter half of this year, I was wondering what your thoughts were about the rising state of the fall box office?

(Pulls out a wad of cash and begins chanting music from circuses) Da-da-dadadada-da-da, money, da-da-dadadada-da-da, dollar! Da-da-Pennywise, Da-da-crazy clown, I got-I got-I got It money! Wooooooo!

Oh, boy.

Who saw It? Who saw It? Did you see It? You did see It. Everyone saw It. That’s the answer: Everybody! Yeah, suck it summer box office! You know how I’m gonna’ celebrate with this? JOKER MOVIES! I’ve got clowns-on-clowns-on-clowns-on-clowns. Hang on, I got a picture. (Pulls out a picture) Y’know how I spent my last weekend? I took a picture. You ready? (Holds up the picture to reveal a member of the Insane Clown Posse holding a bag of money) BOOM! That’s how I spent my last weekend. Look at that. That was my last weekend. I didn’t even buy the picture. That’s how busy I was.

Come on. You’ve got stock photo money, Hollywood. You’re even wearing a free hat you probably got at a Stan Lee event.

Uh, no! I’m Hollywood and I love Stan Lee. No one loves Stan Lee more than Hollywood. (Throws the wad of cash away) Alright, seriously though, I do think that we all learned a very important lesson this month, which is that any idea, even one that comes from an existing IP, can work if you put the time and the care and a good creative team behind it. You give the audience, you know, a quality project that’s worth their time and money.

Really?

Ahhhhhhhh, I’m kidding. GET READY FOR STEPHEN KING FOREVER, BABY! I’m bringing them all back. Cujo, Pet Sematary, Christine, Needful Things, Carrie 3, I’m making it. I’m making it, baby! King-on-King. I optioned a bunch of clown movies. We’re doing Ronald McDonald, we’re doing Soupy Sales, we’re doing John Wayne Gacy, we’re doing Pagliacci… I’ve got the rights to the punk rock band, Pennywise. Seriously, look it up; “bro” him. PENNYWISE! HELL, YEAH!

Jeez…

Oh, yeah, another thing; uh, if you’ve already seen It, which I think you have cause you gave me your money already, I want you to do me a favor, *snickers* I want you to go see mother! this weekend, um *snickers* it’s so, it’s so scary. It’s like, it’s like, so scary. *snickers* It, it’s really gonna mess with your head- (bursts out laughing) I’m just kidding! It’s two hours of Darren Aronofsky jerking off with a noose around his neck, but I’m gonna get your money anyway cause I told you to go see it! That’s what I do! I’m a liar. That’s me. That’s Hollywood!

Ok, moving on-

Hold on, hold on. I got a favor. I want you to do me a solid. I want you to check out Kingsman 2, Lego Ninjago, one of those movies with the word “American” in the title, and my favorite project ever, the Flatliners remake! (As this is being said, Hollywood pulls out a Diet Coke and mixes it with the Mike’s Hard Lemonade, making the drink turn brown)

Hollywood, that drink looks horrible.

What!? That’s what I do, I’m Hollywood! I put two things together that shouldn’t be together, and it usually looks like crap. That’s my whole thing.

Well, I did have one more question. Everyone’s been really upset about James Cameron’s comments about Wonder Woman. I’m sure you’ve heard of them. What has been Hollywood’s official position on that?

I’m glad you asked me that. This is a very serious subject. You know, I take James Cameron’s comments very seriously and I find them offensive and disgusting. You know, Hollywood has nothing but the utmost respect for the character of Wonder Woman and female characters across all genres. I think they deserve Hollywood’s respect and admiration. Hollywood is very concerned with women’s issues and has been as far back as June, WHEN WONDER WOMAN MADE SOLID BANK!!! WOOOO! THAT’S RIGHT JAMES CAMERON, YOU CAN SUCK IT… until Avatar 2. We need that “Titanic” money.

Well, I think that’s everything I need.

Yeah, you know it is. Alright, I gotta’ go. Remember Kong: Skull Island director; I’m actual satire! Bye!

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