EXTRA, EXTRY, IT’S ME: HAWK NEWSIE! I’m here with the latest Hollywood news! News is my name and also my game (except in the state of Louisiana pending allegations)! Who’s ready for some red-hot movie news? If not, too bad – I’m telling you anyway.
Bring the action, Samuel L. Jackson
My inside sources have told me that super Sam Jackson has been cast to star alongside killer Keanu Reeves in the upcoming John Wick Chapter 3, after the director of the movie needed to Speed up the action with some Bill-and-Ted chemistry. THE MATRIX! Hopefully this casting will help the John Wick franchise strike Die Hard with a Vengeance with Nick Furyous anger. After pressing him about the matter for an uncomfortable amount of time, Samuel L. Jackson responded to these claims with “I’m not Lawrence Fishburne!” HOLY JOHNNY UTAH! Could this be confirmation of this shocking revelation? Only time will tell; Action-Heroes Assemble!
John Connor wins Ridley Scott’s honor
Yes, reportedly renowned Ridley Scott will be in talks to replace terrific Tim Miller in directing James Cameron’s newly produced Terminator movie. Apparently, Arnold Schwarzenegger knew nothing but jaeger about Tim Miller’s directing style. Now Ridley Scott must step into the Gladiator ring and go on an Exodus with Gods and Kings before Schwarzenegger Jingles his Balls. If you’re wondering where I got this information, all I can say is that it came from a little bit of blood, sweat, tears, and the good ol’ finsky I slipped James Cameron’s limo driver yesterday afternoon. Now we’ll have to wait and see if Ridley Scott can keep Cameron’s franchise from being Terminated. TRUE LIES!
New Line be trippin‘ over Merry and Pippin
Insiders claim that New Line Cinema has just rehired Peter Jackson to direct a solo “Merry and Pippin” movie, with beastly Billy Boyd and dapper, dandy Dominic Monaghan reprising their Glamdringous roles. The plot will reportedly revolve around Merry and Pippin trying to adjust to life in the Shire after gaining a Super-Sauron amount of money from winning the lottery… I think. It’s really the only piece of Sting-y information I have. (Editor’s Note: This entire section isn’t really necessary to the article. I just wanted to write some Lord of the Rings puns and use the title “New Line be trippin‘ over Merry and Pippin”)
Swinton swoons over Doctor Doom
You heard it from me first that crumpet-munching Tilda Swinton is in tidy talks to take the title role of Doctor Doom in nefarious Noah Hawley’s Doctor Doom solo movie. Reportedly, after losing the title role of It to Stuttering Bill Skarsgard, Swinton transformed from a proper lady to a slob who looked like she was from the eighties. However, the creator of Marvel’s Legion saved her from… defeat-gion? Anyway, Hail Caesar! Will Swinton’s Wardrobe change help save her from her Trainwreck? Patience, Kevin. Patience. Now for how I got this information, I’m not saying that I didn’t bribe Tilda Swinton’s brother’s trash-man, but I’m not saying that I didn’t not do that either.
Fat Matt falling flat saved by Bat-Pack
That’s right! It seems like dreamy drifter, Matt Damon, has taken the Chris Pratt diet in reverse, reportedly packing on all the weight he lost at the end of The Martian. However, instead of a space hunk, Damon is a space chunk. Say it ain’t so! Closest to this real person I’m making insanely horrendous accusations about said that he started packing on the pounds after he lost the part of Doctor Doom to crumpet-munching Tilda Swinton. The good news is that bestie Ben Affleck is looking to cheer him up by reportedly offering him a role in the upcoming Batman film. HOLY JOHHNY UTAH, BATMAN! Bat Damon to the rescue? Hmmmmm…. guess we’ll find out soon enough. And while I can tell you where this story came from, I’m not gonna because it’s so secret that I can’t even give you a clue. In fact, I don’t have to tell you where any of my stories come from! All I have to do is be accidentally right 5% of the time and people will automatically think that I’m a master insider! As a matter of fact, you can build a whole persona around something like that!
Well, folks, I’ve got nothing more to say because I’m out of news stories for the day. And while I’d love to stick around and chat, I’ve got a date with Scarlet Johannsen’s mother’s cat (and with a judge at the Louisiana court house). So, until next time, if it’s Hollywood news you want to see, don’t forget me, Hawk Newsie (except, as I mentioned before, in the state of Louisiana)! Bye, everybody!